I haven’t blogged here for a couple of weeks. There are a number of reasons for this; long working hours, half marathon training, social engagements and me feeling fed up with myself and the mental gymnastics of weight loss. I’ve made the rookie mistake recently of jumping from one diet to the next. It’s a behavioural pattern that comes from desperation. I wanted fast results and ended up in a worse place than when I started.
I’m 27 years of age and I have spent the last 12 years feeling unhappy with my body, going from diet to diet, getting short term results and then ending up back where I started. Things have worked in the past but even when i’ve lost weight I don’t like the way I look. It’s only when I look back at pictures I realise that I actually looked fine. I wasn’t fat or ugly but at the time I couldn’t see it. I should have appreciated it at the time but I didn’t.
I keep telling myself it’s because I don’t have enough will power, that i’m a failure, that I don’t have enough motivation to lose weight. I’m fed up telling myself that i’ll be happy when I lose weight, that i’ll buy new clothes when I lose weight, that i’ll go places and do things when I lose weight. I’ve spent 12 years putting my life off, not wearing what I want to wear. The ridiculous thing is I actually have a normal BMI but there are little lumps and bumps that I just don’t like and I refuse to wear things and do things until those are gone.
I’m edging closer to 30 and in theory this could be the prime of my life. This could be as good as it gets. So what am I waiting for? I don’t want to look back and think I wasted so much time worrying about some excess fat and putting my life off. I’m not saying that weight loss is not important. It is important for health reasons. I completely agree that being significantly overweight impacts on your cardiovascular system and your other organs and for health reasons weight loss is very important. However, when it comes down to losing weight for cosmetic reasons I just wonder how much importance we should really be placing on this. If it makes you feel good then great but if trying to lose a small amount of weight for cosmetic reasons turns into a mental battle and impacts on your quality of life, is it really worth it?
At the moment, I don’t feel it is. I went shopping at the weekend and decided I was going to buy what I wanted to wear – I made the decision not to care if it was a size 10 or a 12 (these are the two sizes I fluctuate between). I bought a lovely dress, I tried on both sizes. The 10 fitted but just felt a little snug so I went for the 12 – this was a difficult decision believe it or not. There have been times when I would have bought the 10 just because it was a size 10 – it wouldn’t have mattered how comfortable it felt. It felt liberating just to be able for one day buy what I wanted. I went to a party that night and felt great in the dress. Unbelievably, nobody knew what size it was or cared!
I wrote previously about trying intermittent fasting. This was the last in a line of a few diets I had been trying. The intermittent fasting lasted all of 2-3 days. I was so exasperated with full thing and mentally exhausted I gave up. Since then i’ve not tried another diet. I have just been eating when i’ve been hungry and eating what I want ( apart form chocolate and Crisps which i’ve given up for lent). I’ve felt more relaxed, i’ve had more time to do the things that I want because I haven’t been so consumed with dieting. What i’m saying is I’m taking a break from “diets”. I’m going to focus on running more/fitness/strength training and eating a balanced diet.